I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.
- Clementine von Radics
two years have already gone by. the first one was drowned in whiskey... the second one i invested my emotions in another. it helped some. one day, i will sit down and deal with it. im no longer angry, i just miss you. i miss my mama. a toast to you, long may you rave! /cheers!
It's been a while since I've last posted, but the eblogger falls way down on the list of things to do. I've suffered a computer crash as the deadliest kind, and have lost all photos - really the only thing i cared about. one last attempt will be made by my guy up north to recover but, i have made peace that they are gone. i think everyone must experience this in order to make sure they never do it again. yeah, myself included.
some good news is that i figured out how to transfer some old blog posts to here so i don't have consider those lost. after time, one does realize the importance of written history. take it from me... don't delete your blogs! backup your files!
/sigh
Trying my hand at fantasy football...
I've been #1 for the last 2 weeks...
I never pick teams based on their standings...
This is my strategy
You forgot to say "I Love You" tonight. I waited, wondered, what had your thoughts preoccupied...
Or was it intentional.
It's becoming unbecoming. Undone.
The little things, changes that start the decline of the high.
You've always been one step ahead of me emotionally. You've been there, done that.
A stepping stone to the next replacement for your misery.
Maybe the next one wont fall so hard.
I still love you.
I refuse to believe I was the 9 month medication that satiated your desires.
But it's true, isn't it...
My current obsession is focused on my LDR... We met almost 10 months ago, online, and have seen each other IRL 3 times, talk daily, and Skype 2-4 times a week. Being "single" for nearly 3 years (and swearing off another relationship for 2 1/2 of those), I find myself lonely and wanting that connection, intimacy and companionship. So what I have learned from the last two "serious" relationships...
1.) No matter what you do or say, you will never change the outcome of what your spouse will do. If he wants to cheat, he will cheat. If he wants to spend money on something, he will do it. No matter what "power" or influence you think you have on your man, if he wants to do it, he will find a way, with or without you. It is not in your control.
2.) You will never completely satisfy your man sexually. And I'm pretty open-minded. There is always that "one thing" that you can't give them. And, at some point, you wont be the one they are thinking about when you are being intimate. My second husband is completely responsible for making me think this way. No, I don't think there is anything wrong with fantasy, especially if it's shared - but every time? it seemed to come to he couldn't get aroused or get off without doing so, and that just made me feel... used. Ultimately, it just turned me off completely.
3.) All relationships start out feeling as if it's the real thing. While i was way too young to entertain the thought of marriage the first time (I was 19), it felt right, we were hopeful, successful and completely out of love and had nothing in common except kids, 8 years later. He was a stranger, I had met on the beach at 17. Husband #2. We were life long friends, met in high school. i was 14, he 20. we connected after i divorced and all was bliss. he knew my whole life, so there were no surprises. i met back up with him when i was 26 and married him at 31. Divorced him at 44. My LDR was formed on line. We met within 2 months and have grown closer to the point that i know my heart is gone to him. We click. we are the same age. everything is perfect; personalities, goals, dreams... how long will it last? My heart says forever and i love being in love with this man.
while I've only listed the negative, i know there were/are good times to be remembered/had. I know relationships are a lot of work. i just don't want to fail at this again.
Am i kidding myself, can i make this work?
Why is it when you're seemingly "in love" everything else takes a back seat? Why cant we balance work, friends, social life and still maintain a long distance relationship? Trust?
Saw some friends this week, and got the usual ribbing... "ohhhh look! it a rare sighting of a curly-headed taurean"! i miss my friends - it's as if i live two lives. it pisses me off that i cant balance both without one affecting the other.
perhaps it's harder when you're so far apart and you want to be accountable for your whereabouts. perhaps it's still so new and we're so far apart i don't want to miss any opportunity i have to spend with him. even if it's online.
And, do not forget LAUGHTER...
Might as well
face it, I'm addicted to love... i find myself in another hopeless
relationship, i always thought I'd be married 4 times. two down. two
very long, very dysfunctional ones down. almost a year ago, i had high
hopes for number three... I'm in denial of course. we're some 600 miles
apart and he's in a situation that he cant/wont get out of.
but he will, yeah - someday he will. <3
I became a hockey fan this year. I am a definite sports lover including football and basketball. I'll watch baseball, but prefer it live. I've even attended my fair share of Nascar events. One you've been infield you'll never want to be in the stands again... really looking forward to this season!
I just have to say, shame on (some of) you America. You have to be the sorriest bunch of citizens who outwardly and publicly humiliate someone for their choices that don't fit into your own belief systems. Would you ridicule your own child in such a way? Are you so shallow that you don't realize that the doctor who saved your life is homosexual? That your daughter's friend protected her (once again) from being bullied and beaten, is in fact a lesbian?
I'm so disgusted with the comments that proceed this article, from people claiming to be Christians and quoting the Bible. Thank goodness you were all there to interpret what your God wants.
My son comes home tomorrow after a 5 year tour overseas. He enlisted right out of high school, literally, and has been home once a year since, for about 10 days at a time. For any of you military moms (and dads) out there, you know how stressful it is to wait for that phone call or get an email (sometimes an actual letter) hearing about how your baby child son is managing to live without you when he has never spent more than a few days away from home over the last 18 years. 5 years is a lot of waiting and wondering, fashioning care packages filled with all the comforts of home; trying not to write "I LOVE YOU" all over the package so not to embarrass him in front of his shipmates. But they will never understand the bond a mother has with her son. He has never missed a mother's day or birthday. Calls when he sad or having girl trouble, or just to say he loves me. Mama's boy? OK, sure. I am okay with that and so is he.
You can't understand this feeling of separation (I believe) unless you've carried a child inside of you... nourished.
I turned around and you were 23.
I am so proud of you.
i love reading other people's adventures, posts, blogs...diaries. especially the anonymous ones. you KNOW those are filled with true, exciting, lustful adventures that they cant otherwise speak openly about, as the person is hiding behind an equally intriguing names, such as "shit my hamster sees" or "fuck you if you cant take a joke"... i see nothing wrong with this, and have related more to these "anons" then those blogging about what's on the menu for Sunday's night dinner, or johnny getting an "a" in finger-painting. truth is i could much more relate if they blogged about johnny uploading porn to the high schools computer class cpu's or sold a bag of pot to the son of the town sheriff... for a dollar.
i've had many blogs, and sadly, i've deleted them for one reason or another. i will do my best (for myself) to not delete this one. it's a good place to put down thoughts and ideas, or vent without destroying my sanity or that of someone else i suppose. In addition, I just read a very old blog of a friend and decided that it wasnt necessarily a bad thing to look back on periods of you life. So thank you MW...
Let the spilling of words begin...
Ever have those days when EVERYONE just ANNOYS the fuck out of you? Yeah, me too.
